The “Single Games” Continue…2009….

I have a friend who in his own right is the male version of a spinster. He is Mormon, over the age of 25(actually closer to 35) and is not married and therefore he’s probably a menace to the church. My friend Jen and I have known Mark for years. Mark’s name was tossed around last weekend when a mutual friend wanted to set him up with Jen. Jen is a single girl, while over the age of 30 and not married she is beautiful and has her stuff together. Jen did not want to go out with Mark because she did not find him attractive. Now in Mark’s defense he is a really great guy, but admittedly not the best looking guy out there, but not hideous either. I found it interesting and kind of shallow that Jen would not even give him a chance based solely on looks.

Into the story comes Sara our drop dead gorgeous friend who added to the conversation by saying she would not ever go out with a guy she was not attracted to up front. It got me thinking about him. He’s a good guy and I truly believe that you can become more attracted to a person over time. So I put him in the “yes I would hang out with him” box along with Peyton Manning, Smith Jerrod from Sex and the City, and the Rock if they were single.

A couple of days later Mark hits me up on instant messenger and we chat back and forth for over 2 hours. It was unusual because we aren’t great friends and just recently got in contact again. I thought it was a great conversation and I learned that we have a lot in common. I thought it was a pleasant surprise that we were chatting. Then toward the end of the conversation he asks, “Hey so I wanted to ask you about Sara.” After my eyes stopped rolling, I replied that she was involved with someone. I couldn’t break his heart by telling him the truth because I knew that she would never give him the time of day.

It’s then I realized I just got used for the last 2 hours. I thought it rather interesting that we could talk for so long and have so much in common and yet he could only see the Super Model. Super Model material he is not…It’s so typical. Some guys think they deserve the super-model/doctor/lawyer/relief society president all rolled into one. Even if they aren’t equal to it; they all think they deserve it. In case one is not aware. That woman does not exist. It’s called a reality check boys!!!

..Do you like me? Yes or No? Check the box that applies.....

January 2009 has me thinking about the beginnings of relationships. I for one can’t stand the games and wondering for example: …“does he like me?”…. “do I call him”…”do I wait for him to call me?”…”should I Myspace/Bebo/Facebook him?”… “what does it mean when he says… ???”

I don’t know what the protocol is these days when you meet someone you are interested in getting to know. There are 100 different theories on how to act and what to do. I’ve come to the conclusion that the most aggressive/bitchy girls or the hoochie mama’s usually win out. Why does it have to be so complicated? I think the way it was done back in elementary school is definitely the way to go.

Send a note to the person you like stating check which applies:

Do you like me?

_____ yes _____no

Do you want to hang out? _____ yes _____ no

It would make it SO much easier!!! No questioning, no waiting for phone calls, no wondering if he’s “just not that into me.”

Like Drew Barrymore says in the upcoming movie; “He’s Just Not That Into You”

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home and then he emailed me to my blackberry, so I texted to his cell and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies….It’s exhausting.”

So for 2009 can we just go back to the simple days and stop all the complications.

...Football Repentance...

...Tonight is the yearly First Presidency Christmas Devotional... Live on BYU Channel... I set my Direct TV to switch to the BYU Channel at 6:00 p.m. Tonight is also the BCS Bowl selection show. Being a University of Utah Alum I have been interested in where the U would be playing their bowl game.

Since it was fast Sunday I fasted from TV until 5:00 p.m. and that is really good for me!!! The BCS selection show started at about 5:55. As I was watching the discussion about the BCS the channel switched to the BYU channel and the familiar sound of the MOTAB was wafting through the speakers on the television.

I instinctively grabbed the remote to change it back to what I was previously watching so that I wouldn't miss the discussion. Besides...there would be a musical intro before the devotional started... I tried to hush the voice in my head as it said... "I'm going to HELL."

Where are my priorities???... well the devotional does show again at 8:00 p.m. But that is the same time as season final of "Storm Chasers" which will need to be discussed in another post. (Yes I am too cheap to get a digital recorder)

I decided to turn it back to the devotional during the commercials, but then I turned it back for good. While football is awesome... celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ is much more important and uplifting... Hearing the words of a living prophets is such a gift and blessing...

So tonight I will put aside football... and enjoy the beauties of Christmas...

But I'm still pretty sure there will be football in Heaven...

Joke: not for the extremely innocent or those who can't read jokes in accents...

Cropstar inspired me to share a joke:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy infront of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen today I get hundat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller says "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too"

...Cat Bowling...

Who are the people who waste their time making games like this:

http://www.itsga.com/fun/cat_new.swf


And why do I find myself playing them...over...and over...and over again....

Horoscope 11/16/008

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Have you been waiting to hear about a grant that you applied for, perhaps to create a piece of art, write a book, or make a documentary film, dear Capricorn? If so, you may have a lot to celebrate today as news could come your way that you've been awarded the full amount you asked for! Don't be surprised, however, if there's a delay in receiving the actual funds. The project is still going to happen but a little later than you had hoped. Relax, be patient, and wait! That's all you can do right now.

...Are you kidding???...This is the stupidest horoscope I have ever read... the only $$$ I am expecting is $50.00 rebate from T-Mobile for my new phone. And they need to hurry up about it. But maybe I am missing the boat here... So just because I am a Capricorn does it mean I should be writing a book or making a film??? I think not!!!

Where the fortune cookies at??? At least that way you get a cookie to go with the ridiculous predictions!!!... If you don't have any cookies on hand you can just do it here:

http://www.astrohoroscopes.com/fun/fortunecookie.html

This is what I got...and much more appropriate and informative...

"Never engage in a battle of wits when you are unarmed."

You can also ask the Majic Fortune Cookie or order cookies here:

http://www.goodfortunes.com/askcookie.asp?UID=5496111600033433


BTW...next to my mom's amazingly fabulous oatmeal chocolate chip cookies... Fortune Cookies are my favorite!!!

...Stop STEALING women's shoes!!!...

I am not ashamed to say that I have big feet for a girl. I am also taller than most girls so that hopefully explains it. As a result growing up it was a painful process trying to find shoes that both fit and looked presentable for a girl. As hard as my mom tried I refused to wear any type of heel. After all being taller than everyone already and adding an additional 2-3 inches was not helpful when you’re just trying to fit in.

Over the years the shoe industry has made great strides to increase the size and variety of shoes, consequently I have become somewhat of a shoe collector. If I find a pair of shoes and they are hot and fit…they are coming home with me!!! I’ve grown to love heels. There are never enough shoes made in my size so they are a precious commodity. I admittedly have shoes that sit on my shelf and are rarely worn. I may actually need a lime-green pair of open toed pumps one day, that day hasn’t come yet, but I am hopeful.

SO…there is NOTHING that burns me up more than when there is a MAN in the women’s shoe section trying on shoes and usually heels !!! Well I use the term “man” loosely, a better word may be a SHIM. The first time I experienced this was in downtown San Francisco about 10 years ago. My other tall friend and I happily walked to the back of the shoe store where the large girl’s shoes were. We turned the corner and there was a young man…clearly a man in women’s clothing trying on the shoes. I was appalled. How dare he take some of the precious large shoes of which there is a very limited number. He cowered as if he was a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. We were so shocked we left the shoe store. That was the day I realized I was not only competing with women for these large shoes…I now had to compete with men!

The next time this happened was also in the Bay Area at a Nordstrom. Two men in their 50s who were not fooling any of us, were dressed as women clumsily navigating through the women’s shoe department. I was infuriated and thought how unfair it was that they were invading the women’s section when they had their own shoe section. They didn’t even look like women… they just looked like old men in old women’s dresses. But I also realized we weren’t competing for the same styles of shoe.

The third time this happened was this very morning here in SLC!!!! I was in a discount store (ok…ROSS in Ft. Union) trying on hats and I looked over and noticed a man, probably in his late 40’s looking at the women’s shoes. Of course the large sizes, if he wanted to try on anything less than 10 I’d say have at it!!! If his feet are that small he has bigger problems…ha ha ha… I immediately started steaming.

His hair was grey and he was wearing a zip-up hoodie and low cut skinny jeans. I watched as he reached for a pair of high heeled ankle boots. Darn bargain hunting cross dressers. He sat down on the bench facing away from me. His low rider jeans revealing several inches of his crack…ahhhh…. As he was trying on the boots I had to hold back. I wanted to scream. How dare he take a precious commodity from a WOMEN!!! I wanted to go over and start throwing things at him and say “you were made a man, be a man…put those women’s shoes back!!!”

He then looked around to see if anyone saw him and tried to cover the boots with other items as he walked to the registers. I was livid. Even here in Utah men are stealing our shoes. The least they could do is shop online so that I don’t have to witness the thievery …I am officially declaring war on all, the cross dressing, women’s shoe wearing men!!! I vow to save women’s shoes one pair at a time!!!

...Current Events are Killing Me....

...Am I the only one that is sick and beyond tired of hearing about:


1. the election
2. the economy
3. the election
4. the bailout
5. the election
6. the price of oil
7. the election
8. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie



Growing up 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. were sacred at my house; The Evening News. Always Channel 5, KSL- Eyewitness News. The "True" News. All action was halted and the news was watched by a certain parent with near tunnel vision.


As a result I am a news junky... I watch the news almost every night. I like to know what is going on in the world. However, I have grown weary with all the national drama... can't we just get a good old stabbing amongst gangsters in the hood? Blah, blah, blah...election, economy, election, oil.


Tonight I refused to turn on the news and decided to find something else to watch. Sadly I've just wasted a whole HOUR of which not even one minute will I ever get back. I embarassingly admit I just watched an entire episode of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency in lieu of the news.

But I have validated a few truths... Models ARE the dumbest people on earth. Well I can't say all models, because I haven't met them all. I can only speak for the ones I've seen on TV. However if you are that stupid, why would you want to be on TV to show off how un-smart and shallow you truly are?


Second people like high fashion designer Merlin Castell are portrayed as people we are to admire and aspire to be like? Ummm....Sorry but he's a FREAK and the people that would actually show up in his clothing are just as dumb as the models that find it a privilege to wear his ridiculous clothing.

Dejectedly I have to admit it was less of a downer than the news... and now I have to watch the subsequent episodes to see what happens next...Sadly reality TV is sometimes better than REALITY....

...In Case Anyone Was Wondering...

Main Entry: spin·ster

Pronunciation:
\ˈspin(t)-stər\

Function: noun

Date: 14th century

1: a woman whose occupation is to spin

2 a: archaic : an unmarried woman of gentle family
b: an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying

3: a woman who seems unlikely to marry

— spin·ster·hood \-ˌhu̇d\ noun
— spin·ster·ish \-st(ə-)rish\ adjective
— spin·ster·ly adjective

...Football...

...I have a question of great "doctrinal import"... is there football in the spirit world? And will there be football during the Millenium?... My testimony may be hindering on the answer....

...ESS-E-EX in the City...

...When I first heard about "ESS" in the City I immediately thought; "what a horendous show for a good Mormon girl to be watching"... Minus the swearing and the ess-E-EX it really is a story even little Mormon girls can relate to... the characters and story lines can get insane at times, yet most of the time are relate-able... and lets be brutally honest... we all have "relationship" issues/experience, heartbreak and true loves.... Oh and a little hint for you "good" Mormon girls... you can see the edited rerun versions on TBS around 9:30 at night... (ch. 247 for you DirectTV fans).

When I saw the movie (the edited version)... My non-member friend covered my eyes and ears over the bad parts :o) ... Anyhow, the movie was... MOVING!!! It was so good... I laughed, I cried, I laughed somemore and cried some more...I totally related to so much of the movie...

The DVD comes out September 23rd. I am planning to have a view party at my house with some friends (of course with the clean flicks version). Would it be sac-relige to have said party over Conference weekend...???

What are my other options??? I mean mission reunion??? That was like 100 years ago and once all the elders get married they don't want to acknowledge sisters anyway... And the singles dances where there are like 3000 single Mormons all trying to hook up for the weekend...and hope to find their E.C. in the process... eeeeuuuuwwww..... Just a side note...the Escort Businesses in SLC do great business Conference weekend... so if your friends date is a little too hot and you never see him/her again... I say ESCORT!!!... seriously!!!... think about it!!!

Anyhow, I will have to see what my other options are... like go to St. George??? La Belle can you give me any insight on that???... Am I going??? ha ha...

...And Anyone who talks about how horrible "S" in the City is, has never watched it... So try it... you just might like it...

...BUWAAAHHAAAA...

...I've decided that it is much more fun to read other people's blogs that write in my own... I'm not that funny or entertaining, but I am quite entertained by other's blogs. In fact I was laughing so hard at work the other day about something Bishop Higgins said that I couldn't even talk and my eyes were tearing up... well actually the tears may have been due to the Bishop's speshul spurit...

Testimonies

...I only heard "beyond a shadow of a doubt" twice today... I was a little disappointed... and I didn't even hear "Play-zure" once... but I did hear "Tray-zure"...I would like to know who the first person was that used the phrase... "beyond a shadow of a doubt" in their testimony.... is that a 20th century invention or is it a phrase that has been passed down from generation to generation since 1830???... I think that phrase became outdated in the '70's...

...I miss the Olympics...

Every 4 years we get to experience the greatest show of human spirit and come together as Americans to celebrate who we are...(and I DON'T mean the Presidential Campain!!!)...

While I am grateful for our Democratic Republic and certainly grateful for our freedom and right to vote (btw vote McCain/Palin if you are smart). I would prefer to focus on something happier!!! I love the OLYMPICS!!!!...and in the immortal words of Toby Keith "We'll put a boot in your A$$ it's the American way!!!.... Well we didn't win the most GOLD medals (but lets be honest China CHEATS...16 year old gymnasts...yeah right!!!), but we did win the most medals over all!!!

Like everyone else I loved Michael Phelps..... he he he!!!

(Micheal Phelps childhood photo)

But I really, really loved these two!!! I want to be just like them when I grow up!!! And look that good in a bikini... and thank "Mr President and Karchie" for all of my sucess!!! Shouts out to President Bush and Karch Karaly!!! Yay Misty and Kerri!!!! (Sorry about all the hype with your 112 wins in a row and back to back gold medals and then you go and lose last week, but we won't talk about that).

And Dalhausser and Rogers were amazing to watch!!! But they don't look as good in bikinis!!!

Volleyball was defininitely my favorite sport to watch and it's also my favorite sport to play!!! So to make up for missing it I get to spend 3 hours every Thursday evening helping to run the YW volleyball program in my stake(LDS Church for that 1 reader not from Utah)... Where running from the ball seems to take the place of a pass/bump and where if the ball makes it over the net cheers erupt!!! There is no such thing as a set, spike or block with these girls. Do I have bad karma and I am being forced to go to volleyball H-E double hockey sticks( to quote Mitt Romney...work joke... since he dropped the F-bomb all over SLC in 2002 and denied it...ha ha). I have decided that, which bothers you the most will be your next calling...

But in the mean time I will be dreaming of 2012 in London!!! Maybe the English won't cheat as much as the Chinese!!! I wonder if Dara Torres will go for gold at 45? Will Michael Phelps mom still be the Chico's spokesmodel?..representing badly dressed moms all over America... Will it be found that Hussain Bolt is taking ganja-roids and is really another of Bob Marley's 30 illegitimate children? And will there be at least one white guy on the Redeem Team???....

...China 08.08.08...One World, One Dream....

Dear Stephanie Meyer

Dear Stephanie Meyer

I would like a refund on the price I paid for “Breaking Dawn”(which thankfully I got on sale). It is the WORST book I have ever read, in fact I had to force myself to finish it. I also wouldn’t mind getting some money back on “New Moon” and “Eclipse”. I borrowed “Twilight” so I won’t be asking for any reimbursement. I have not only lost out on my hard earned money. I have also lost precious time and brain cells that I will never get back!!!

I actually feel DUMBer for having read Breaking Dawn!!! 756 pages of utter agony!! I actually had to force myself to finish the book…I felt like I was reading a book that was written by an emo and immature teenage girl. Although I should have just read this!!!

Breaking Dawn recap by Edward Cullen
http://community.livejournal.com/lion_lamb/1651773.html

It was much more entertaining and I wouldn't have had to read the other 754 pages of horribly boring and needless detail.

I am considering suing you for punitive damages I have suffered due to my having read Breaking Dawn. Initially I refused to read any of the Twilight books because all the YW were into them and I am a little more than leery over trendy Mormon books. But then my best friend recommended I read the books. I quickly read Twilight then moved eagerly on to New Moon and Eclipse. The books were poorly written yet proved to be entertaining enough. I was hoping all along that Bella would mature and stop being so unrealistic and aggravating and go for the “clearly better for her” Jacob. But alas I was predictably disappointed when she married the creepy Edward.

No one over 21 wanted Bella to marry Edward. Anyone older than 21 that was cheering for Edward is living in a romantic dream-land and needs to come down to reality!!! The portions of the book that particularly infuriated me were as follows:

The name Renesmee-
The STUPIDEST name I have ever heard!!! Worse than Shaniqua, D’Brickashaw, and Apple.

Jacob IMPRINTING on Renesmee-
What the HELL!!! He was in love with Bella, am I the ONLY one that is creeped out by this???

Suddenly calling Jasper “Jazz”-
On the 4th book this nickname finally comes out? Why did it take so long?

Vampire Sex-
Is Stephanie Meyer not gettin any at home? Vampire sex is just weird… what does this say about the author that she isn’t just saying about herself…ha ha ha…

I’m sure there are about 643 more reasons I hated the book, but if I write more I am just wasting more of my brain cells on the horrible wretched thing.

I have totaled my losses and will take payment immediately for damages suffered.

$12.97 Cost of Breaking Dawn

$1467.23 The cost for my precious time. The time it took to read the book.

$3, 876, 493 for the price of the brain cells that died while agonizing through the book. It may seem like a lot, but brain cells are irreplaceable. I am going to have to go back and get another college degree to make up for how dumb I feel now.

For a grand total of….. $3,877,973.10

I will take that in either a personal check, money order or cold hard CASH!!!!